Шуточки - Jokes

[Naperekor]

«Gimme kiss» Америка. Пришел молодой парнишка из наших на права сдавать. Дали ему машину и инструктора к ней. Инструктор- хорошо откормленная в Макдоналдсе негретяночка-хохотушка. Говорит, ну, что красивый поехали кататься? Сели они и поехали. Проехали хорошо. Остановились. Всем инструктор доволен. И довольно так пареньку говорит: ”Gimme kiss” (поцелуй меня). Парень слегонца офигел. Russo turisto, obliko morale. Взвесив все за и против, он ей и отвечает, что не могу я вас поцеловать: непринято у нас так. Она улыбнулась... и вытянула ключи (keys)( имелось ввиду: "Gimme keys - Give me keys.") из замка зажигания. "

[Кэтчуп]

Металась, не знала, куда кинуть.
Вроде и шутка, и серьезно.

Подтырено из комментариев на Youtube, орфография сохранена:

After the bombing Srbia.American General visited a Serbian military museum. American General has asked the museum curator, Serbian officer, as it was dificult to be in war with the greatest force in the world. Serbian officer replied-I do not know, we are newer ben in war with Russia.

из того, что мне в глаза бросилось: ... if it was difficult; to be at war or make war or wage war; we have never been ... .

[Naperekor]

Металась, не знала, куда кинуть.
Вроде и шутка, и серьезно.

Подтырено из комментариев на Youtube, орфография сохранена:

After the bombing Srbia.American General visited a Serbian military museum. American General has asked the museum curator, Serbian officer, as it was dificult to be in war with the greatest force in the world. Serbian officer replied-I do not know, we are newer ben in war with Russia.

из того, что мне в глаза бросилось: ... if it was difficult; to be at war or make war or wage war; we have never been ... .

Наверное, цитировали дословно, а так как это Serbian officer, то потому и ошибки.

[Эксперт]

Success is just like being pregnant: everybody congratulates you, but  nobody knows how many times you were fucked...

[Лунтик]

"A Communist died and since he was a honest man albeit atheist, he was sentenced to rotate spending one year in Hell and one year in Heaven. One year passed and Satan said to God : "Take this man as fast as possible, because he turned all my young demons into Young Pioneers, I have to restore some order." Another year passed, Satan meets God again and tells him : "Lord God, it's my turn now." God replied : "First of all, don't call me Lord God, but instead Comrade God; second, there is no God; and one more thing - don't distract me or I'll be late to the Party meeting."

 

PS Я не эстонец

[Naperekor]

Время правления Буша-младшего не прошло бесследно не только для политики, но и для английского языка. Так называемые "Бушизмы" широко используются в виде шуток.

Вот некоторые из них:

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

"I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

"You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

http://www.slate.com/id/76886
http://politicalhumor.about.com/cs/georgewbush/a/top10bushisms.htm

[майор ТруБля]

Баян, конечно, но в своё время мы дружно всем офисом ржали 


Here is the kind of conversations that go on in the Whitehouse on a daily basis :
 George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

 Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

 George: Great. Lay it on me.

 Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

 George: That's what I want to know.

 Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

 George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

 Condi: Yes.

 George: I mean the fellow's name.

 Condi: Hu.

 George: The guy in China.

 Condi: Hu.

 George: The new leader of China.

 Condi: Hu.

 George: The Chinaman!

 Condi: Hu is leading China.

 George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

 Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

 George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

 Condi: That's the man's name.

 George: That's who's name?

 Condi: Yes.

 George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

 Condi: Yes, sir.

 George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

 Condi: That's correct.

 George: Then who is in China?

 Condi: Yes, sir.

 George: Yassir is in China?

 Condi: No, sir.

 George: Then who is?

 Condi: Yes, sir.

 George: Yassir?

 Condi: No, sir.

 George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

 Condi: Kofi?

 George: No, thanks.

 Condi: You want Kofi?

 George: No.

 Condi: You don't want Kofi.

 George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

 Condi: Yes, sir.

 George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

 Condi: Kofi?

 George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

 Condi: And call who?

 George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

 Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

 George: Will you stay out of China?!

 Condi: Yes, sir.

 George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

 Condi: Kofi.

 George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

[Эксперт]

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.   Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math.   She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

[Baltika]

[Эксперт]

Once a Smoker was smoking at the airport.........

A gentleman came & asked him, “How much do you smoke a day?”
Smoker: “Why are you asking such question?”
Gentleman replied: “If you had collected that money instead of smoking, the plane which is in front of you, would have been yours.”
Smoker asked that gentleman: “Do you smoke?”
Gentleman: “No”.
Smoker asked: “Does that plane belong to you?”
Gentleman replied: “No.”
Smoker: “Thanks for your kind advice, but that plane is mine.”
[Smoker's Name-Vijay Mallya- Owner of Kingfisher].
Moral of the Story:- Unnecessary advice is injurious to health

[Ali Xander]

Диалог британца с таможенником при пересечении границы Австралии:
- Have you ever been in prison?
- Is it still necessary?


Священнослужитель и австралийский пастух выступают соперниками в одной телевизионной викторине. После того, как были заданы все стандартные вопросы, результат - ничья. Тогда ведущий передачи задает последний решающий вопрос: оба участника должны придумать в течение 5-ти минут стихотворение, в котором бы прозвучало слово "Тимбукту" (для справки - это город в республике Мали, который в свое время был торговым и культурным центром Ислама). Оба кандидата удаляются, и через 5 минут на сцену выходит священнослужитель, чтобы представить свое произведение:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu....."

Публика в восторге и уже воображает церковного служителя победителем викторины. Но тут на сцену выходит австралийский пастух и произносит:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three ladies cheap to rent,
they were three and we were two.
so I booked one and Tim booked two....."

[Эксперт]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled,

'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope,' she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied:
Should bought a hat, Bert.

[Ni-sha]

Може это и бОЯн , но в тырнете нашла недавно, вот такие особенности перевода



By the way — Купи дорогу!
Downtown — Город даунов.
Notorious murderer — Нотариус-убийца.
I'm not a woman you can trust — Я не женщина, поверь мне.
Silver is the best conductor of electricity — Сильвер — лучший кондуктор электрички.
Spirit is strong, but the flesh is weak — Водка ничего, а мясо протухло.
I am not like you — Вы мне не нравитесь.
The troops were marching — Трупы маршировали.
No smoking! — Пиджаки не вешать!
I miss my town badly — Я девушка и живу в плохом городе.
Give up smoking — Дай закурить!
Can You hear me?.. — Ты можешь меня здесь?...
Undressed custom model — Голая таможенная модель
Manicure — Деньги лечат
I’m just asking — Я всего лишь король жоп
I have been there — У меня там фасоль
God only knows — Единственный нос бога
You feel alright — Ты справа всех чувствуешь
Bye bye baby, baby good bye — Купи купи ребенка, ребенок хорошая покупка
To be or not to be — Две пчелы или не две пчелы
I fell in love — Я свалился в любовь
Just in case — Только в портфеле
I will never give up — Меня никогда не тошнит
Oh, dear — Ах, олень.
I saw my honey today — Я пилил мой мед сегодня
I’m going to make you mine — Я иду копать тебе шахту
May God be with you — Майская хорошая пчелка с тобой
Finnish people — Конченые люди
Bad influence — Плохая простуда
Phone seller — Позвони продавцу
Good products — Бог на стороне уток
Let’s have a party — Давайте организуем партию
Watch out! — Посмотри снаружи!
I know his story well — Я знаю его исторический колодец
Press space bar to continue — Космический бар прессы продолжает
I’ve just saw your balance sheet — Видел я ваш баланс... так себе баланс
Let it be! — Давайте есть пчел!
love you baby — Я люблю вас, баб
Hungry like the wolf — венгры любят волков
museum of fine arts — музей хороших искусств
Yeah, peace of cake... — Умираю! Дайте кусочек торта!
Stop the violence! — Остановите скрипки!
Power plant — энергия растения

о КаГ!

Спеллинг не мой если че

[Naperekor]

-  Consciousness is the time between naps.

-  Wedding - a funeral where you smell your own flowers.

-  Paradox - two physicians.

-  Impeccable: having immunity to woodpeckers.

-  Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

-  A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.

-  A born loser: Somebody who calls the telephone number that's scrawled in lipstick on the phone booth wall -- and his wife answers.